Who am I?

Everything was ok today untill some minutes ago...

.

I saw one of my friends coming online on MSN and I decided talking to her because I saw a new photo of her in the display image, I said she was different but she said everything is the same and that she didn't change anything, even a little detail she didn't do.

.

She decided to send me the photo to make me see that it was really her. I know in the time I was needing and feeling alone she was there, present and with a big heart ready to help me. Sometime passed and we got a little distant, I know she always had more important friends than me to care about and of course I wouldn't be in the top of her favourites, by the way I always tried to be near her after the time I couldn't meet her every week as we were usually doing. I felt that she had started changing with me but all the time I tried to find explainations for that or when I decided to ask her about what was happening she always said it was just something for my imagination... maybe I was really getting crazy after a bad ended friendship story.

.

I really tried to understand what was the wrong thing in me which used to make the people far from me. I spent more than 6 months just thinking and hurting myself as much I could do without notice it, no one of my "close friends" were there near me to support me in the moments I judged hard to me, even all this the bad phase had gone, I had my chin up and I was ready to start my life in a new way. It was what I did but I was still missing something inside me, a friend missing... I'm still thinking what is wrong in me...

.

When my friend sent me that photo today I felt the same pain which I didn't feel for a long time ago, I don't know if I'm afraid to trust in someone again and in the end the things happen like in the past, I don't know if I'm the one who doesn't allow someone to be my friend, maybe all that is just my fault.

.

I really thank God for everything I have, for all my knowledge, for everything I have, though I can't hide that sometimes I feel alone, I know I have the ones I love around me but I feel that I don't have friends and it's something which really kills me. It's like when you want to call someone to go to a party with you but even your phone list is full of names you don't find the right ones to invite to join you, or it's just like when you need a good word from that one who is almost your sister/brother to maybe step over you but say that she/he loves you and explain that she/he did that because you were acting like a kid and in that time you deserved what happened.

.

I hope one day I find these answers, or maybe if I don't I just want to understand it was better like this and forget all that.

.