No title.

Well people, I'm writing again today, maybe cause I'm feeling finished and completely sad, it seems that I can't trust anyone here or... when I find someone and try to open myself I just find that I'm the wrong one.

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Today, as I said, I went to bring the last missing papers to university but before we go there my father started his talk asking me about how much he had to pay today and I answered him but I can't understand why he was so angry with me, he said that I just wanted the things in my hands and that I wasn't interested about doing anything. Strange because from where I remember it was just me looking for information and preparing the papers, I did everything alone and now he says things like that to me.

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We went there, gave the papers, he paied (the value I told him) and after we be out we had to wait his girlfriend meet us because she was walking in the shopping trying to find flowers to her sister-in-law because her brother had asked that. In this time I was playing with my brother because be just looking to my father's face like that really made me feel terrible, but he called me and before I ask what he wanted to talk to me he started talking and saying that if I need something more to study it will be with my mother and she will have to spend her money because he is so tired of me, in that time I wish I weren't born or maybe I just read my father's mind in that specific moment.

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His girlfriend came and he took us to McDonald's to eat something, I was feeling so terrible that I couldn't even want something to me but his look killed me again what made me know if I hadn't asked something to eat it would be worse to me. I asked but the things couldn't come to my stomach, I didn't up my head even for a little moment to look somewhere, I couldn't.

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After that when I thought we were going to come back home he went by a different road to take his girlfriend to meet someone there and take a paper, he didn't want to wait her inside the car, he parked the car and made we be out to stay in a pet shop looking for things to Lelé (Lilica's sister - it's her name). In that time I was walking alone and thinking, for moments I could forget everything which was making me feel bad when Rabie called me, I really needed to hear his voice which was coming in a great time. I was fast to hide myself in a place there to talk to him and don't let my father or someone see me.

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We started coming back home when my father stopped again, guess why? A flowers' shop. Waiting his girlfriend come back to the car he asked if Matheus had done his homework, he said he hadn't because he didn't have time to that, my father just started talking in an angry way and after he finish I asked him how Matheus could have done something if he came back from school at 13 o'clock, took about 30 minutes to have his lunch and after that him and my grandmother told Nico to take a brief rest before start doing the homework. He really did what they said, we went home about 2:00 p.m. and at 3 we went out with my father, he told me it wasn't justifing anything. My father couldn't stop complaining and said he couldn't trust or tell anything to us two because we were terrible, I asked why he said YOU in the plural, what have I done to him? Why he was blaming me like that? Where was my fault? The answer I received was "especially with you I don't have anything to talk, you are the worse in all this and you give no value in the things I do and for you two the father is just here to give money, with your mother there are secrets, gossips, but with me... you will see Camila, I really have nothing to talk to you; about your brother, he won't have more any rest this year, both of you broke my trust and now will pay a lot, the things will be hard to him and to you too because no one comes here to ask about me or about how I am, I'm nothing to both of you; your brother last year was left and if your mother thinks that I will have to stay with him for all long as I did she is so wrong, I'm doing everything here but for you, no meaning for the word father."

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I lost all the words I could say even I wanted to tell him that we couldn't have him as a friend because he was the one who didn't allow that because everytime we tried to be closer him he found a way to make we far again, maybe without want but he did a lot, I couldn't tell him how manytimes he hurt me with his words, I didn't have chance to tell him that I didn't want his money that I really wanted him as my friend, I wanted to trust on him and make him faithful to me, I wanted to show him that I'm not all this bad which he thinks I am. Why he never asked about us without hurt us with his answers? Nowadays I'm really not asking this for me but for my brother, he is so small to understand and hear all that without have blame in this story, if my father wants to offend us why he doesn't do it just with me? He must think good before doing something near Matheus, he is just 11 years old and unhapply he can't see all the bad he is doing to this boy.

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All the time I just know the angry and rude father I have, he is a really good man but to the other people, why he couldn't be the same to his kids? Is it so hard do the things to his own family? Are we the blamed to be born? Is he blaming everyone because I'm not intelligent enough to pass in a public university? Yeah, there are things which I'm really trying to understand untill now but things that I can't share with anyone, in the truth I'm doing this blog as a diary. Seems that everyone I miss and can count on will be always with me but I can't see them when I'm feeling like this.

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Coming home I passed beside my mother but I couldn't change even a little word with her although, I just took my shower and came to the living room to watch TV, my mother asked me why I was with that bad face I told her that I was going to explain her later after I finish watching something. Yes, I started talking and explaining everything after the program finish but when I was in the part of my brother's homework she came with angry words to me and was making her voice louder, she knows how much I hate to hear someone speaking in a loud voice with me but she is my mother. She said it was my fault let my brother without do the homework early and said my father was right to say all that, she didn't let me continue talking and even I tried she was just screaming with me saying it was my fault, she doesn't know the rest of the story to later say something, she didn't want to know the rest and I really lost my patience and started crying. I just found myself screaming too and saying that I was going to sleep.

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She said the same as my father, that I thought the things were so easy and that both had educated me so bad, I tried to don't hear her voice putting the pillow over my head but every little word was coming inside my mind so clear, I couldn't stop crying and I can't understand why.

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I woke up about 2 hours ago and my brother, the one I always try to defend, was angry with everyone and said that I was looking nervous then left a lot of bad words to me without reason, my mother started too and we were all quarrelling in the end because at this time I wasn't standing more anything. I'm really a bad person and someone so wrong. All this made me think if someone deserves to have me as a friend or as a love, made me be not sure about my future or about the things I want to do or have in this life, made me think if it was better they have me far from them. I think everyone thinks the same sometimes and maybe I'm just giving the things too much value...

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I wish I could ask my parents to forgive me for everything I'm for them, ask them to forgive me for my bad behave and bad words I have ever told them. I know I'm not perfect and I'm not the daughter they wish I were but I really tried my bad all this time, they mean more than anything to me but they never gave me the chance to tell that or to express myself near them, I'm not the best one to talk about feelings, I admit that I'm really someone cold and serious as much as I can and this isn't so good for me but all the time I try some proximit seems that I do something wrong or they understand me wrong.

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I'm feeling forgotten by everyone, I'm feeling sad and angry in the same time, I don't know what I'm exactly feeling rightnow, I just wanted to write to make the things be out of me and this made me feel better. I can say that something good happened today, Carol said I'm someone important to her and invited me to go out with her and some of her friends on saturday and of course as I said, the Rabie's call was great too.