Autobiography.

I will start from my born.

I was a wished baby. My parents desired me. After many trials, there was me, a healthy child that brought happiness to all the family. The first baby of my parents and the first grandchild to both grandparents.

I grew up, went to school and used to be successful in my studies. I always liked to take my own decision and keep my feelings only for me, deep inside me. It was what made me a close teenager in the future and different from the other people.

On my six years old my life changed and started to be shared with a little new one. My brother was born and I can’t lie, he’s the most precious gift I received in all my life since the first time I saw him and knew I was the first person to take him in my arms after he was born (of course my mother was the first, but I was after her).

We aren’t kid forever. There is a time that our body, mind and feelings change. We get vulnerable at every word we listen or at every step we think about taking.

I’m normal, human. And at that time, besides all that, I got interested on boys. But I really thank I never had been in love with someone I had been with.

Growing up and noticing that I wasn’t and never had been a beautiful girl I think I was accepting my way to be. Though I wasn’t the most beautiful or the most intelligent I had my skills and qualities. I was always the best player in every sport, the hardest one in my decisions and had a strong personality.

The years got passed and I had forgotten and given up of trying to have a boyfriend but my friends at school assure to remind me of that always.

Within the time I got a little more opened to talks and felt it was also time to say my hidden feelings, the things even I was so sad I didn’t use to share. I found a really big friend then. She turned my life upside down and I felt I was happy, as I had never been before.

One month before completing 16 yeas old my best friend and I went out to a disco at night. It was my first time going out like that. After my parents’ separation in the year before, our lives seemed dead lives, and that day we were ready to make a new beginning. So we did.

At that same night I couldn’t take my eyes out of someone that attracted me. However, I kept my quiet way. No one could know that inside me I wanted to feel a man near. Not friends, but someone who could get near me, give me kind (even it was for a while), and although I wasn’t beautiful he didn’t need to remind me of that.

After I get what I wanted with the one I looked at all the night, I got happy. I felt free and comfortable. I was like a common girl, I had kissed someone and I could feel really self confident with my conquest.

I finally woke up for my life. No father was there to control me or tell me what to do or not. No one to stop on my way.

Mom, my friends and I used to go out to discos every free weekend we had without had to study for tests at school. Happily, the few chances I had to go out with them I could enjoy in the maximum and feel like a real young person of my age. I didn’t need to do sex with anyone to get my happiness, I reached it because I had never felt wanted like that for the people around me in my life. I had friends. I had a family.

The last year at school came and all the parties was over because of that busy time. I was still having faithful friends but they were sharing their were sharing their time among their families, their friends, their boyfriends and me. So, a Halloween party at school came and I decided to meet a Moroccan boy who was living here. He just got my phone number and we were talking on the phone everyday for about one week until the party’s day.

I didn’t know and I couldn’t imagine I would date someone just in the first meeting but my best friend made that happen to me. Wow, I was dating! My first boyfriend! Yes, illusion. I dated him for four months but I broke up with him because he wasn’t the one I wanted, I wasn’t in love with him. It wasn’t fair stay with someone in that way. I would be bad keep lying on him that I felt something good near him.

The life continues and I have to look in front. I went out more some days and met some guys in these few times. I tried to back to my routine or going out because that used to make me feel nice and I tried to forget my best friend because she said she wanted me far just because of the fact I was who I am.

Well, those things didn’t affect me at all. Even I went out with some guys I didn’t date anyone of them. In truth no one of them made me feel passionate. I wanted someone as I had loved before, someone as a virtual man that once I really loved but who disappointed me a lot and that’s why I didn’t want him anymore.

There wasn’t anyone like him or better than him to me allow to stay with me. I followed my journey alone as ever, then.

Happily, God made me meet someone when I was needing help, kind and comprehension. Fate’s irony… I don’t know. But there was another Moroccan man coming into my live without I choose that. He became a big wonderful friend when I needed to share my life with someone, when I had to have another surgery made, when something really bad happened to someone so beloved and so close to me, when my phone didn’t use to ring anymore.

Everywhere I looked at, he was there to full me. My heart was hurt to let me be able to allow myself to like or love someone again. But some parts of our lives are already written. I got completely in love with him and despites I want to forget my past and start counting my life from zero from the first moment I knew him, I know my past is a part of me. A part that made me happy when it happened but that makes no difference for me now.

I will just let my life takes my future and me just owns to God, my choices and me.

That’s my life.