That comes what has to come, that does what has to be done. I'm know sometimes I seem to be crazy saying things without sense but I just wanted to shout many bad words to all the world, to throw myself from a building, to distroy myself with things I stopped doing, to miss my studies for a week, to give a time to myself. To shake the people to make they see I'm here. To be noticed. Talk talk talk talk, I saw this shit doesn't work ever.

Whatever happens I know I won't be someone different than I am. I won't be a model, won't have many friends, won't go out with buddies to a party or even to enjoy. I'm still young and the time is running, always running and I'm feeling silly, invalid, lazy, a dumb. I'm not more than anyone, I'm not less than anyone.

Why my father treats me like that? Why am I like him in this way? Why don't I know how to be different, to have 1000 faces to know how to deal with everyone I like? Why do some words of missunderstanding hurt me so much when I didn't have to care about them? WHY AM I SO SILLY AND FOOL LIKE THIS?

I also had a dream today. I dreamed I was in a place that should be my country of ogiriny. I was in a city in Portugal, near Spain. I had some money, a good house and had done a thing that I wanted to see realized to myself but I couldn't and I'm getting old for that. I had a soccer team and it was going very well in the business. I've got a camera and was visiting another place somewhere in Lisbon. The people were nice, the weather was sunny like if we were in summer season. I just wish I could sleep a little more to keep living that dream that was the thing in these days that really made me happy for a while, I could feel something that I can't explain. I wish everyday I could feel the same and be sure that I'm on the right way to my happiness and life.