Is it right what I'm doing with him? Make him suffer because of love? Because of something that he thought it would be wonderful and untill now I couldn't give him or just didn't find the best way to show that I love him too? I wish he could know manythings. I wish he could believe in my love for him, that he could trust me, that I had chosen the best words when I had to say something, that I had done the things by the best way.

No one reads this shit blog but him. It's also not something that should be opened, it's just like a diary without forbidden words or tells. It's an exit to my own problems, an exit of my own self.

I had an idea (but it's only personal).

He always try to ask me to look at the past, at the things I did and didn't do and try to check where the things started to be bad, where I mistaked, when I missed, when I got lost.

It's so hard to see, to understand, to find. I'm confused.